Minecraft: Diary of a Minecraft Zombie Book 3: When Nature Calls (An Unofficial Minecraft Book) Read online

  “What’s that?”

  “Well, the Wishing Emerald is supposed to make anything you wish for come true. I’m not sure it’s real, but I want to go explore the Jungle Temple to see if I can find it.” Steve said.

  “Count me in.” I said. “That sounds awesome.”

  So I walked away thinking about how our Spring break is going to be ten times better, now that Steve’s coming.

  Also, the Jungle Temple sounded tight.

  Man, this is going to be the most amazing Spring break ever…

  Monday

  I saw all the guys at school today, and they told me they were all coming to the Jungle Biome!

  “Thanks for having your Mom and Dad call our parents.” Skelee said.

  “Guess what?” I said. “Steve is coming to the Jungle Biome with us, too.”

  “Whoa, that’s awesome! But what are your parents going to say?” Slimey said.

  “Oh, actually he’s just coming to explore the Jungle Temple, and he asked us to come too.”

  “Man, that sounds tight! I heard the Jungle Temple is like the scariest place in the Jungle Biome.” Skelee said.

  “I hope it’s not too scary.” Creepy said.

  “Steve said he’s looking for the Wishing Emerald that makes your wishes come true.” I said.

  “Whoa…” Everybody said.

  “Slimey, you can wish for a new pair of parachute pants.” Skelee said.

  We all burst out laughing.

  “I’m going to wish that I wasn’t so scared all the time.” Creepy said.

  “I’m going to wish that I can breathe under water. I always wanted to visit the Ocean Biome.” Slimey said.

  “I’m going to wish for an enchanted bow and arrow.” Skelee said. “What are you going to wish for, Zombie?”

  “I don’t know yet. But I’m going to make it big.”

  “Coooool.” All the guys said.

  Tuesday

  I saw Mutant at school today.

  He was busy rebuilding the Gym, because he accidentally destroyed it after our last Dodge Ball game.

  “Hey Mutant!” I said.

  “Uuurrrrggghhh!”

  “It’s good to see you too.” I said.

  “Hey, I wanted to see if you wanted to come with us to the Jungle Biome for Spring break. All the guys are coming, and I wanted you to come too.”

  “Uuurrrrggghhh!”

  “Really? You can’t come?”

  “Uuurrrrggghhh!”

  “You have to spend Spring break rebuilding the gym?”

  “Uuurrrrggghhh!”

  “And you don’t have any clothes to wear, anyway?”

  “Man, that’s a bummer.” I said. “It would’ve been really great if you could come. I wanted to introduce you to my human friend, Steve. He’s real cool. I think you would like him.”

  “Uuurrrrggghhh!”

  “How does he taste?!!”

  “Uuurrrrggghhh!”

  “Oh, what is his grade?”

  “I think he’s in middle school like us, but for humans.”

  “Uuurrrrggghhh!”

  “Yeah, I think he’s cool too.” I said.

  RRRIINNNGGGG!

  “Oh, there’s the bell. I’ve got to get to my class. I’ll see you later Mutant.”

  “Uuurrrrggghhh!”

  Mutant gave me his finger to give him a high five. But this time he gave me a high five.

  I had to pick my arm off the floor and run to class so I wouldn’t be late…

  Wednesday

  Today at school, we had a special guest speaker come to our school.

  He came to speak to us about Mob safety.

  I guess they must’ve heard about our minecart ride from our last field trip.

  I think the guy must’ve been from the Zombie Police because he was really stiff.

  His name was Officer Ricky D. Bones.

  He talked about how we need to stop doing all the usual stuff…

  You know, no going out during the daytime, no playing with torches, no tipping over spiders, no bothering silverfish, NO RIDING MINECARTS, no getting close to Golems…

  You know, all the fun stuff us mob kids really like to do.

  He especially said that we should stay away from humans, because they can be real dangerous. He even said that humans have medicine that can cure all the cool diseases that we have. So we should stay away from them.

  The last thing he said was, “I would hate any one of you to become human.”

  Wow, I didn’t know humans can turn Zombies into humans…That’s insane.

  I need to ask Steve about that one.

  Come to think of it, I wonder if Zombies can turn humans into Zombies?

  Whoa! I wonder who would know that?

  I thought I could ask Mom and Dad, but I changed my mind because they might think I want to be human like Steve.

  I decided to ask the witch that lives in our neighborhood.

  I know she’s retired now, but I’m sure in her younger days she used to turn humans into Zombies, or frogs or something.

  So after school, I went to the witch’s house.

  “What do you want?” She said, as I knocked on the door.

  She answered the door with that mean look on her face.

  I tried to answer but I just couldn’t stop looking at her big nose with a mole on it.

  “Uh…Ms. Witch…Um, I had a question for you.” I said. “Today at school I learned that humans can turn Zombies into humans. I was wondering…Can Zombies turn humans into Zombies?”

  “They sure can…All it takes is one bite from a Zombie to turn a human into a Zombie.” She said.

  All of a sudden she started to cackle, “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

  I also think I heard some lightning and thunder in the background, and even the lights flickered a little bit…

  “Can they ever turn back?” I asked her.

  “Yes, but only with the most powerful magic.” She said. “The only witch I know who has that kind of magic lives in the middle of the Swamp Biome. And she can only be found during a full moon.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, and you would never want to go visit her, because she has a particular taste for rotten flesh. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

  Again with the cackling. Sheesh.

  “Why are you asking anyway?” She asked me as she gave me her evil eye.

  “Just curious.” I said. Then I said good bye and walked away.

  “Goodbye. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

  Wow. No wonder she doesn’t have any friends.

  Thursday

  Me and the guys decided to go to the Zombie Cafe next to our school for lunch today.

  They sell all kinds of food there.

  Some of the kids at school say that the place is really clean, which kinda made me a little nervous.

  But, they also said that the place is full of rats and bugs, which made me feel better.

  The real reason I go there is because they have my favorite food in the whole world…Cake!

  I got a big, giant cake and I was going to eat the whole thing.

  But I could see that Skelee didn’t bring any money with him, plus he was looking really skinny lately.

  “Want some cake?” I asked Skelee.

  “Naw thanks.” He said. “Cake usually goes right through me.”

  “I could use some Mooshroom Milk though. My Mom says it’s full of Calcium.”

  I gave Skelee a few bucks and he got himself a carton of Mooshroom Milk.

  As he drank it, I was a bit confused about how he gets the Calcium part.

  Creepy got himself some Pop Rocks.

  Kinda made us all nervous every time he ate some.

  Slimey got a mucus shake.

  It was green, because I think it was Mint flavored.

  “I really like coming to the Zombie Cafe.” I said. “They have the best food.”

  “Yeah, me too.” Skelee said. “It sure beats the Chinese restaurant next door, The W
oking Dead.”

  “My favorite restaurant is Drool and Gruel.” Slimey said.

  “I like Bombastic Pizza.” Creepy said. “Me and my family always go there.”

  I didn’t know how I felt about that…

  Friday

  I’m so excited about Spring break!

  One more week and we’re going to be knees deep into the Jungle Biome.

  I just got a Zmail from the guys telling me about all of the stuff they’re going to bring.

  Skelee is bringing his Indiana Bones hat.

  Slimey is bringing his parachute pants. “At least this way they don’t have to go to waste.” He said.

  Creepy was bringing his new Liquid Nitrogen Inhaler. He said it was the latest thing for keeping Creepers calm in scary situations. His Mom got it for him from the Bomb Supply store.

  “It even works if a Creeper gets struck by lightning.” He said.

  Whoa.

  I sent a Zmail back telling the guys that I was bringing my climbing shoes for the Jungle Temple.

  Zombies are normally good climbers. They can climb ladders and even vines.

  But I lost a few toes this week, and Mom said we were fresh out of toes from our body parts stash in the basement. So she had to put ears on my feet until we could order some more body parts.

  So my climbing skills are not so good right now.

  I have to figure out what to do about my pet squid while I’m gone, though.

  I could give him to the witch down the street, but I’m afraid when I get back my pet squid will grow a big nose and start walking and talking.

  Whoooooohhhh. That’s just creepy thinking about it.

  I know what I’ll do. I’ll just set him free in the lake next to the village.

  I’ll tell Mom and Dad it escaped.

  Maybe this way I can get a cooler pet…like a Killer Rabbit.

  Saturday

  Today, Mom had the brilliant idea that before I can go on Spring break, I had to do something about my dirty room.

  I usually don’t do anything about my room for eleven months out of the year, so in the Springtime my Mom gets on my case about it.

  “You need to do something about this room, young man. Or you can forget about Spring break.” My Mom said.

  But I like the way my room looks.

  I mean, I know that I have dirty clothes lying around all over the place…

  And I know there’s moldy food under my bed that attracts bugs…

  And I know I have plenty of my dirty underwear and smelly gym socks hanging on all of the furniture…

  But Mom says that it’s not good enough. She thinks I can do better.

  She told me to get some of last week’s left over garbage, and dump it in my closet.

  She even told me to sprinkle more maggots all in my drawers.

  Urrrrgghhh! Taking care of my room is such a pain!

  After my room, Dad wanted me help him with the garage too.

  It’s not even a garage anymore.

  My Dad turned it into his own Zombie Cave.

  Which makes me wonder why I have to help him with it.

  I guess he thinks I want to inherit it when he’s gone.

  But I think it’s kinda lame.

  Right now my Dad has his hobby abandoned mineshaft and minecart rail set in there.

  He also has a Zombie Apocalypse set with Zombie and Human action figures, which I kinda like... But he won’t let me play with it, so its lame.

  Now, if he were to put in a 70 inch TV with a video game chair that comes with vibrating seats, then I would gladly help him with it.

  But he wants my help adding more cobwebs, dust and dirt to his Zombie Cave. He even wants me to help him add a cow poo compost bedding for the floor.

  Uuuurrrgghh! I hate Spring chores.

  Sunday

  I went to go visit Steve today.

  I wanted to ask him what humans do for Spring break.

  I found him punching trees again today.

  I still don’t know how he does that without losing any fingers.

  “Wassup Steve!”

  I guess this time he saw me coming, because he wasn’t surprised.

  “Wassup Zombie!” Steve said.

  “Hey, did you hear me coming or something?”

  “Naw, I actually smelled you before you got here.” He said. “You’re kind of extra ripe today. Cough, cough…”

  “Thanks Man, I’ve been working on that. But anyway, I had a question for you about humans.”

  “Hit me.” He said.

  So I smacked him on the back of the head.

  “What’d you do that for?!!”

  “You told me to hit you, didn’t you?” I said.

  “Forget about it. What’s your question?”

  “Hey, what do humans do for Spring break?” I asked.

  “Oh Man. We do really cool stuff for Spring break. But the best place to go for Spring break is Disneyland.” Steve said.

  “Disneyland? What’s that?” I asked.

  “Disneyland is a magical place, where kids of all ages can go on exciting rides, spend time with life-sized characters like Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy; eat corn dogs on a stick, and spend time with hundreds of other people, along with their family and friends.”

  “Whoa, that sounds really scary. Giant Mice, giant ducks, giant dogs. Eating dogs that are stuck on a stick. And all of those humans in one place…Dude, you’re freaking me out!” I said.

  “There’s a ride I think you would really like, though. It’s called The Haunted Mansion. It has Zombies and Ghost attacking humans and everything.” He said.

  “Oh. I guess humans aren’t so bad.” I said. “If I ever visit you again, let’s go there.”

  “Sure, man.” Then Steve went back to punching his tree.

  I wanted to ask Steve if it was true that humans can use medicine to turn a Zombie human. But I didn’t want him to think I wanted to become human or something, so I didn’t ask.

  I did walk away thinking that maybe humans aren’t as bad as Officer Bones said they were.

  With places like the Haunted Mansion around, how bad can they be?

  Monday

  I looked in the mirror this morning and I noticed that something was growing on my chest.

  It looked fuzzy with a green and blue color to it.

  “Dad, Dad! Come in here!” I yelled.

  “What is it son?”

  “Dad, what’s this green stuff growing on my chest?!!”

  “Congratulations son, you’re growing mold on your chest.” He said. “That means you are going through puberty.”

  “Poo – ber – tee? What’s that? Does that have something to do with poo?!!”

  “No son. Puberty is when a young Zombie starts to become a big Zombie.”

  “Soon you’ll have mold growing on your chest, back, under your arms, and your face. I even have it growing out of my ears.” Dad said.

  “I’m going to have it growing out of my ears? Eeeeeww, gross!”

  “Don’t worry son, you’ll get used to it.” Dad said. “Though it does get a little itchy when the bugs lay their eggs in it.”

  “Also son, you’re going to see other changes as you go through puberty.”

  “Like what?” I asked.

  “Well, your feet are going to get bigger, so you may feel a little clumsy at times.” He said. “And one foot usually grows bigger than the other.”

  “Whoa.”

  “Also, son, your voice is going to start to get deeper.” He said. “Then you’ll be able to say UUUUURRRRGGGHHH! Just like your Dad.”

  “Let me try…Uuuurrgghhsqueeeekkk!”

  “Yep, you’re definitely going through puberty.” Dad said.

  “Here son, you’re going to need this.” Dad handed me a small bottle.

  “Pro-odor-ant .” I tried to read it. “What is it Dad?”

  “Well son, sometimes puberty can make things happen that you don’t want. Like you’re going
to start to smell different.” He said.

  “What!”

  “Yeah. You’re going to lose some of that nice, pungent, rotten flesh smell.” He said. “So you may have to use some Pro-odorant so that it isn’t noticeable.”

  “Man…Puberty is hard.”

  “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.” He said. “It happens to all of us.”

  Man…I bet this stuff doesn’t happen to Skelee, or Slimey.

  And what about Creepy? How is he going to grow mold when he doesn’t even have arms?

  I bet Steve doesn’t have to go through this either.

  Wow…It really stinks to be a Zombie.

  Hey, maybe I won’t need the Pro-odorant after all….

  Tuesday

  Kids in middle school really like to swear a lot.

  They come up with some of the weirdest swear words I’ve ever heard.

  Today, one kid called another Zombie a really bad swear word, and it almost started a fight.

  Now, I don’t normally use swear words. But I keep a list so if I ever have to, I want to be ready.

  Also, I thought I would preserve a historical record of the common expletives of adolescent Zombies for the benefit of future generations…

  …Naw, just kidding. I really like to collect them because I think they sound so funny.

  So far I’ve heard Zombies called:

  Dead Head

  Meat Bag

  Slack Jaw

  Gutter

  Shuffler

  Brainless

  Moanie

  Screecher

  Biter

  Chiller

  Thriller

  Meat Puppet

  Rotter

  Floater